Two Steps Forward, One Back…

You may remember I promised you thoughts about all kinds of journeys and travels. This morning’s bonus post concerns a step in my journey of loss and adjustment.

Toni and I had been married just a little more than five years when she was killed in a car crash in November, 2012. Since then I have been working on adjusting to the huge hole left in my life.

Yesterday, my good friend Bill Bordas posted a blog entry ( that made me think of the song “I Loved Her First” by Heartland ( Toni and I used this song in our wedding when it was time for her mom to be seated. I had to Google the song’s title to make sure I remembered it correctly, and of course then I had to listen to it. I haven’t heard it much (if at all) since our wedding, and it hit me so hard I couldn’t finish listening to it last night. After almost 20 months, it surprises me how some random new item can bring back the flood of tears so quickly.

The other part to this is that I had another dream with Toni in it this morning. I’ve been averaging about one dream a month since she died; this morning’s dream was #20. The dreams have varied in their emotional intensity and subject matter – some of the early ones I can still recall as clearly as the day I had the dream, while there are others I can’t remember now, even after reading my notes about them (yes, I’ve written each one down in a journal, along with a lot of other thoughts and feelings).

This morning’s dream was very interesting. In it, Toni and I were members of a cast that was performing a book as it was read. I don’t mean a movie adaptation; I mean someone offstage (offscreen?) was actually reading the book and we were acting it as it was read. Somewhere in the book was a romance between Toni’s character and one played by an unknown man. When those parts were read, Toni was very convincing in them, and during a break I asked her if there was any kind of actual romance between her and the other actor. She and I weren’t married in the dream, and while I was attracted to her, I hadn’t made that known to her. So there was no reason for her *not* to be attracted to him, but I wanted to know if she was. Fortunately (unfortunately?), I woke up before she answered.

I will occasionally reread my notes about the dreams and wonder whether there is anything in them that’s more than just the random activities of a sleeping mind. I hope there is…

2 Comments on “Two Steps Forward, One Back…

  1. It always takes time to get over such a tremendous and senseless loss. I regret that my blog brought bad memories back, but that poem was – in its own way – a reminder of all the years I didn’t have with my sons before we got reacquainted. All things get better with time … sadly, they often take more time than we would wish.

    • No regrets or apologies are necessary, Bill, although I do thank you for the comment. I think there will not be enough time in my life for things to ever be “all better,” but they are definitely better than last year at this time. There’s no telling what will trigger the memories and their accompanying tears, so there’s no way to avoid them. And I don’t think I would if I could. As Garth Brooks sang once, in “The Dance,” I could’ve missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”

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